:: so much more ::

Wow, Christmas has come and it's *almost* gone. How fast time flies eh?

These past 2 weeks have been incredibly tiring, but fulfilling. It's so cool to see the efforts that the church put in collectively to see people being blessed through our play (The Tailor-Made Man) well, being done effectively! Am really happy to know that people have been impacted even through the play and i thank God for the lives that are changed even thru the words that were spoken.

I can't wait to see the video of our play!! *beams*

Anyways, it's been a month now at GE! And it's been great :) I'm really enjoying myself, despite the work, which at the moment, is focused on research! Why, coz we get occasional perks like, having lunch at Le Meridien! Woohoo! That was a lot of fun coz i had sushi! And on-the-spot tortillini with bacon, drenched in cream sauce plus teppanyaki ice cream for dessert. Hahah. Reminded me of Jason's chicken salad theory. God knows :D "Seek first His kingdom and righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you!"

I have a lot more to share, really, but it's only a matter of how i want to do it. Hehe. And it might get a *bit* too emo for my liking if i share now SO, i shall just leave with a wish for a blessed Christmas to all dear friends (ie. YOU!)!

May you have a blessed year ahead :)

2008, here i come!! :D

:: all we are is Yours ::

These past few days have been very interesting.

Came back from a refreshing, tried-to-tan-but-tak-cukup, awesome holiday in Phuket. Would love to tell you guys more about my trip but i think it's best you ask me personally :) If not i type sampai besok pun tak habis. Hehehehe.

I wanted to share about my personal hour-of-powers today. Where it's just me and Him. Lovely.

Been talking to my leaders, preparing myself for the work ahead. I get worried sometimes. I get worried on whether if i can cope with balancing things. God helped me manage my studies and church my last sem. And i believe that He will help me manage my internship and the beginning of new things for CC next year. I'm so excited. Wary, nervous but nevertheless, excited. I dread to think about the first 2 months of CC that i won't be around for physically, but i pray that i'm making the right choice. God, may You cause the ones that i pray for to rise up and step up to Your purposes.

I told God my worries and i learnt from Paul today...

"And now, compelled by the Spirit, I am going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen to me there. I only know that in every city the Holy Spirit wards me that prison and hardships are facing me. However, i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me---the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:22-24

Beautiful, isn't it?

Paul's so brave.

My Jerusalem is before me. And i have to say, i've experienced a few Jerusalem's. Packaged in different ways. But this is the first time, that i feel something big is gonna happen. (not undermining the previous breakthroughs) But this is gonna be even bigger than the ones before. Have you ever felt that tingly, butterfly-ish excitement of knowing something good is gonna come your way...but you know you have to prepare for that good thing to come? Knowing that there are things to do to *accomodate* that good thing?

I feel that way now.

I count my life worth nothing, if i don't finish the race that You have set me to run.

Your strength and grace, Lord. We need You.

*I* need You.

Sometimes, i don't even get my own worries cause if i make decisions based on the House, i should trust that everything else will fall into place. It has been, for as long as i can remember. And yet, after seeing and tasting that the Lord is good, i still have to remind myself that *knowing* it isn't enough until i share it.

So, taste and see. God's got some delightful stuff up His sleeves for you. You need to ask, and He'll give it to you :)

:: gratitude ::

One of the strange things about living in the world is that it is only now and then that one is quite sure one is going to live forever and ever and ever. One knows it sometimes when one gets up at the tender solemn dawn-time and goes out and stands alone and throws one's head far back and looks up and up and watches the pale sky slowly changing and flushing and marvelous unknown things happening until the East almost makes one cry out and one's heart stands still at the strange unchanging majesty of the rising of the sun---which has been happening every morning for thousands and thousands of years.

One knows it then for a moment or so. And one knows it sometimes when one stands by oneself in a wood at sunset and the mysterious deep gold stillness slanting through and under the branches seems to be saying slowly again and again something one cannot quite hear, however much one tries. Then sometimes the immense quiet of the dark blue at night with millions of stars waiting and watching makes one sure; and sometimes a sound of far-off music makes it true; and sometimes a look in some one's eyes.

-My Secret Garden-Frances Hodgson Burnett-

I thought that was beautiful. It describes the mornings that i've been longing for.

I've been praying since the day my exams ended, that i only wanted to pass my units.

Results came out today and God answered my prayer :) I can move on to the next semester. There really is not much i can do. Even thanking Him profusely isn't enough. How do you thank someone who does above and beyond what you imagined or hoped for? Prayer works. I can't stress that enough. And God keeps His promises. He said He will honor those who honor Him. He said to trust Him and lean not on my own understanding. He told me to acknowledge Him in all that i do and He will direct my paths. He knows what He's doing.

I may not have distinctions this time around, but considering the circumstances of having 4 papers in the span of 3 days, what with AYA awards smacked right in between...all glory is given to God for my results. No one else. It's definitely not me. And i'm just so glad i serve a miracle-working God. Like someone once shared during prayer service, "God is still into miracles". And this is a miracle for me.

Things at GE has been going great. Work is challenging but i'm learning. It's my 10th day there today and what i've done so far has been amazing. How often do you have the exposure of sitting next to CEO's and MD's and conversing with people who are handling the Nusajaya development even though i only started getting acquainted with the project on my first day of work. Lols. GE offers me that. And i can only imagine the better things to come.

Seriously, the only bad thing about working is the travelling. I can officially say that i hate the KTM. Public transport will be the death of me, what with me being stuck in the Ellie-sphere. I have half a mind to drive to KL once i figure the way to drive into KL and not get lost.

Other than that, i can say that today was a really good day. 5.30am with God, got to work 20 minutes early, checked my results and had amazing burden being lifted off, having my perspectives changed on how i should treat my internship and generally knowing what i can and should do, getting to meet new people, growing tired but tired with a purpose, spending time with great people, and to round it off, i have a week of family-time ahead of me in Phuket.

Sun, sea and sand, come on, baby, hold my hand.

Life is good.

Hope all's well with the rest of the world :)

:: first day ::

Had another awesome 6am this morning. God spoke to me about certain things, whether or not i'm making the right decision on interning in GE rather than be part of CC in its crucial months. Hehehehe. But i believe that He's placing me there for a reason, for a purpose that i pray will come to pass soon enough.

Will let you guys know of the coming testimonies! :D

Got an email this morning that sort of confirmed what i prayed about this morning. God works in amazing ways. And He's hi-tech too ;)

"Faith is the ability to NOT panic." If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.

I'll be fine. *preaches to self* Off i go on my first day as an intern! Pray with me ;)

:: rest ::

"My burden is light, my yoke is easy." - God.

Stress is inevitable. That's what i found out. Especially when things don't go the way it was planned, or the way you want it to, at the time you want it to, even.

I realised that planning for Unplugged. I had an awesome team, i did. But like i said, stress was inevitable. There were so many what if's and hows, and "oh-man's". But during prayer BEFORE the event, i sat in a corner of the sound room and prayed. I surrendered and submitted.

I upholded. This wasn't my event. It was His.

I was afraid the deco would look funny, it being so random. But i loved it in the end coz we're campus students, dood. Random IS us. To the deco team, and everyone else who helped out, you guys poured in your time and strength. Thank you :)

I was afraid the performances were too last minute. They were all great. I appreciated every single performer. Famous or not. "You guys made my day." :)

I was afraid the food wouldn't be finished or too messy to be eaten. They were gone in 15 minutes. All i had was one piece of creamy mushroom bruschetta. *laughs* To the hospitality team, you guys outdone yourselves. Thank you :)

I was afraid the program wouldn't flow. Staying up doing a clear running list with Tracy till 2am, and continuing to pray over it after, was interesting. Especially when i was up and about at 7am to prepare to worship-lead in Segi College. Last minute changes with changing performances, MC's getting carried away, (you guys get my drift), but everything fell into place. We were only 15 minutes behind time. Quite an achievement for me, i think.

I was afraid of people leaving when Ps Kenneth went up. I was even more afraid when he said he was gonna speak on trusting God. The unexpected-ness of it being so point-blank evangelical threw me off balance. But who am i to judge? God certainly had to deal with me being so faithless when it comes to His work.

"Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart, and lean not on YOUR own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6

7 decisions were made for God last night. S.E.V.E.N. I had 7 pieces of vegetables to repent.

The thought of me being so afraid when God was in control was so laughable that during dinner (at 12-ish in the morning), i just had to smile to myself and give thanks to God. I didn't even mind the veggies that much.

There's so much more to life. We were meant to live for so much more. I was meant to live for so much more. And i had to kick myself to sink the fact that everything went as well as it possibly could. All this, with a great team, leaders and God supporting me. Word of the day : "When things are overwhelming, the Lord is my support." - Psalm 18

I spent the day resting at home. Deciding against Stardust. I took 2 hours to just sit and adore the God whom i serve, and would love to serve all the days of my life. I took the time just, "resting". Singing "Child" over and over again.

What's more...my friends, whom i dearly care about, got to see what i do. Why i may not have that much time to spend with them as of late. Thank you Adeline, Chester, ChoongYang, Justine and MelB, for sparing the time :) I hope you guys enjoyed yourselves, much. It was a great comfort just having you guys there.

Don't doubt, Ellie. It gets you nowhere.

Who else is Lord, if not God? I trust You.

I've got a song to write :)

:: running back to You ::

It's good to be alive, isn't it?

I just had my perspectives changed this morning. No longer will i be confused or conflicted.

I'm just gonna practice in doing things right. And i know i'll get where i want to be someday. God helping me, i can and i will :)

Can't keep on running away from You
Can't go on living this lie i'm in
I'm letting it all go and i'm turning around
I hear You calling me
So i'm running back to You.

Now, what with new perspectives, and refreshed minds and hearts, where IS my sunshiney mornings? Hrms. Lols!

:: could i ask for more? ::

"It may be possible to do without dancing entirely. Instances have been known of young people passing many, many months successively, without being to any ball of any description, and no material injury to accrue either to body or mind; but when a beginning is made--when the felicities of rapid motion have once been, though slightly, felt--it must be a very heavy set that does not ask for more."

Emma, Jane Austen

Replace dancing with something you desire. Figuratively. You can get used to not have something. But it takes a lot to not keep wanting what you do not have. Especially when you've had that particular something for awhile.

Mr Thought, you're bothering me with things i shouldn't be bothered about. Focus, Ellie, focus.

:: why so emo ::

Hehehehehe. I'm not really emo. I've just been listening to emo songs. Like, early 80's-90's emo songs. Hmm. I actually wrote out a nice long entry and then, firefox had to crash. Boos. McFuji has a virus. Poor baby.
______________________________________________________

I am SO bored. Like, seriously. Now that i don't have to study anymore till well, next Feb, i actually feel lost. Even the prospects of holding Unplugged doesn't make me *feel* busy. Nyehs.

There's nothing to watch on TV. There's nothing to do at home but housework and learning how to cook. Again. I haven't done any movie-watching OR rock-climbing OR mamak-ing OR anything, really. I don't even have the mood to read my delicious collection of new books that i was looking forward to get started on. Note the "was" in that sentence. Heh.

What are you guys all up to?

I miss having long conversations with someone. It seems that i've been deprived of entertaining conversations. And Justine's buggered off to Europe already. *sadface*

The most spontaneous thing i've done in the past 3 days was to drive down to Bangsar with CY, Addy and Justine. We had nothing better to do. And i rarely go Bangsar. So they were doing me a favour. Note : it was my 2nd time in Bangsar. =.="

Anyways, when we arrived, we decided to have a drink at this bar/bistro place where a man came up to us to sell peacock feathers. Apparently, peacock feathers is very effective in scaring lizards away. *solemnly*

*bursts out laughing*

I'm serious.

*laughs again*

Yeah. That's the most spontaneous thing i've done in the past 3 days.

AND Y'KNOW WHAT????? I haven't watched Stardust yet. And so many people has already!! *whine* The *old* people and the *young-er* people from Acts has already gone. Jeles.

Oh wells. I'll catch it one of these days. This is one random post. I obviously have no mood to blog either :D

Happy Deepavali, everyone. Have a murukku. *grin*

:: how to save a life ::

This song has been in my head for awhile since i heard it in ChoongYang's car 2 nights ago. I wonder why.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life.

-The Fray-

I wish i could take it back.

It's just one of the days where you feel things should be so much better, but it isn't. Not really, anyway. And you realise you try so hard to make things right again, but it always seem to blow up in your face. I refuse to feel sorry for myself.

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." Proverbs 10:19

You can't overcrow me, Mr Thought.

:: going on strong ::

Well, somewhat. Lols.

3 down, 1 more to go. 2 of my papers were *okay-lah*, but treasury today was realllyyyyy bad. Wasn't surprised since i couldn't even finish studying.

I just don't want to fail it. That's all i ask. In Jesus' name, amen.

On a brighter note, it's my 5th 6am morning! It felt good the past 4 days, but today was extra tiring for me. Shall sleep early tonight.

I miss bright sunny mornings. I've been thinking of them so often that i've started praying for them. Haven't seen them yet but i believe they'll come.

You know those mornings, don't you?

The kind where if you were standing under a tree, the sun makes patches of gold where the leaves part. The ones where its bright enough, but not hot. The ones that just give you a a thrill and happy spasms. The ones that could *almost* convince you to live outside forever.

No?

Well, i miss them.

:: cabin fever ::

WAHHHHHHHHHHHH. 2 days of 6am mornings and 12am sleep, endless studying in between.

Brain-dead.

Finance is...mind-boggling. Oopfh. And there's still so much HRM to read.

I'd love a McFlurry right now. Oreo schmoreo. Mmmmmm.

:: cracked pot ::

That's what i am, Lord.

Fill me afresh.

Job 5
v2. Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.
v6. For hardship does not spring from the soil, nor does trouble sprout from the ground.
v7. Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward.
v8. But if it were i, i would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.
v9. He performs wonders that cannot fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

(Thank You, Lord, for Job 5, i claim it)
I will take all things to You first, even if i'm tempted to scream my head off or be angry or be sarcastic or just be terribly sad and hurt, i will go to You before i go to men.
Before i go to any kind of man.

:: sigh ::

Dear God,

Bobby's tyre pancit. Ellie's very sad.

Ellie got home late from huddle. Daddy's very angry. Ellie's grounded.

Now, Ellie's very angry. But Ellie is supposed to be patient.

Ellie doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't understand.

Ellie's tired of explaining herself.

Ellie's just gonna study and immerse herself in the land of legal frameworks and yucky stock bonds.

Can You do something to un-ground Ellie, please? Thank you.

Love,
Ellie

:: waiting ::

Forgive...sounds good.
Forget...i'm not sure i could.
They say...time heals everything.
But i'm still waiting.

Doesn't feel too "hot" even after apologising, does it?

But i've stopped waiting. It doesn't pay holding grudges. Make me get wrinkles only :D Not worth it. Tsk.

Unity at all cost!!! Forgive me, Lord for being distracted by rubble. Help me build your wall.

Slowly...steady...here we go :)

:: elliest of ellie's ::

I always have the urge to read the Anne of Green Gables series during exams. I don't know why. Probably cause she studies real hard to achieve what she wants. Probably cause she dreams a lot. Like me. Even while she's studying.

I always felt like i could relate to Anne. Gilbert Blythe called her the Annest of Anne's. Yes, that explains the title. Heehehehe. So random, ya? Lols. I guess i just love L.M.Montgomery's writing. She writes the funniest and yet biblically, related things. Just thought i'd share some thoughts that relate to her writing.

To do with new days :
"Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." Sufficient for today is it's own troubles, amen? :)

To do with exams :
"I am well in body but considerably rumpled up in spirit." Just checked my internal assessment marks for IM and HRM, did considerably well in class, but not good enough to fulfill my promise. Trying harder.

To do with life :
"We must have ideals and try to live up to them, even if we never quite succeed. Life would be a sorry business without them. With them, it's grand and great." Like Dave shared in SES last weekend, don't forget your dreams :)

To do with love :
"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath." This is my favourite among all L.M.Montgomery quotes. Maybe what i want, is not quite what i need. Only You know, Lord.

To do with me :
"I'm not a bit changed-not really. I'm only just pruned down and branched out. The real me-back here-is just the same. It won't make a bit of a difference no matter where i go or how much i change outwardly; at heart i shall always be your little Ellie, who will love you and everyone else and dear Subang Jaya more and better every day of her life." So, i replaced Anne with Ellie :) big deal.

Yes, i'm satisfied now.

:: of love and uncharitable speeches ::

I realised of late, i'm very easily angered. Every little thing that does not go my way irks me. Even if someone looks at me in a way or manner that i *think* is not right, i'd be angry at that too. Not to mention, what that particular person SAYS, it's even worse.

I'm really amazed by a person's capability to be patient. To love and just give without question. I've learnt a lot from my leaders and from the people that i'm leading. Some of them have such a genuine capability to love. Some say, "green girls are meant to mother." In other words, meant to love. Lately, i feel that i've been far from that. Don't know if it's because i'm PMS-ing or if i've just forgotten to ask God how.

A leader once told me, she found it so hard to love. It wasn't her nature to love just everyone and anyone. It wasn't her nature to give and give without question. For me, it's always been easy to love the lovable. But where's the challenge in that right? Anyway, that particular leader shared how when she needed to love, she prayed and asked God to give her that strength to love. On her own, she can't. With God, all things are possible.

It isn't possible to love and give by your own strength. We need God to expand and stretch our capabilities to love. We need God to first fill us with His love, that we may have love to give others. Otherwise, we'd just be drained. Otherwise, we'd just be easily angered. And dissatisfied. And then, resentful. I can tell you that those are not very nice feelings :) It also leads to uncharitable speeches because dissatisfaction *has* to be voiced out one way or another. If not by words, it will be by actions. Something that God has revealed to me that i was doing.

Been praying myself as to why i just feel constant annoyance towards people and what they do, and God says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (James 1:19-20) He says, "Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

I had to go back to basics and learn again that, "Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:5-7)

Sometimes i forget that all i have to do is ask God. And He'll give it to me. Sometimes i forget that i'm still being moulded and changed for Him and by Him. Sometimes i forget that other people are probably going through things that i don't know about and i just assume they wanna rub me the wrong way on purpose. Sometimes i forget what it means to read His word and apply.

Sometimes i'm just blissfully ignorant and forget what it means to love and give love without question. Without being loved in return. I have seen and experienced it. I guess it takes God to really show it to you.

Anyways, to those of you whose toes i've stepped on through my uncharitable speeches and actions, i pray that you'll forgive me. Love, after all, keeps no record of wrongs, yes? :)

Or if that doesn't work... "I'm pretty sorry with loads of java chips on top?" :( Coffee?

______________________________________________________________

"You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it."

-Neil Gaiman-

:: you don't have to yell ::

Speaking to myself. Good song, this. "You Don't Have To Yell" by Chris Rice. Thanks, Mich :)
_____________________________________________________________

So-called reality
Right there on my TV
If that's how life's supposed to be, well
Somebody's lyin'
The camera's on and we can tell
To keep your fame you have to yell
Cause tensions build, and products sell, and
We're all buyin'
I hope we're smarter than this

Everybody take a breath
Why are all your faces red
We're missin' all the words you said
You don't have to yell
Draw your lines and choose your side
Cause many things are worth the fight
But louder doesn't make you right
You don't have to yell, oh
You don't have to yell.

I tuned in to hear the news
I don't want your point of view
If that's the best that you can do, then
Something's missing
And experts on whatever side
You plug your ears, you scream your lines
You claim to have an open mind, but
Nobody's listenin'
Don't you think we're smarter than this?

If everyone will take the step
Back away and count to ten
Clear your mind and start again
We won't have to yell.
_________________________________________________________

3R party went really well :)

:: i'm alive! ::

This is the day that the Lord has made, and i will be glad and rejoice in it!

Felt like crap yesterday thanks to my no-good cramps (yes, it's THAT time of the month) but i can safely say that i'm healed now! Praise the Lord! Thank you CC peeps and Tracy for praying ;)

I love mornings. There's something about mornings and fresh new days that gets into my spirit and stirs me up! It feels good to be ALIVE!

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits -
Who forgives all your sins,
and heals all your diseases,
and redeems your life from the pit,
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

(Psalm 103:1-5) Amen!

It's good to be alive.
________________________________________________________

Note to self : Be patient and stand firm, for the Lord's coming is near. Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged! (James4:8-9) Ouch! Well, at least i know those who have persevered are considered blessed.

Ellie, don't be so stubborn. There are times that even you can't control what you say or do. Let it go. Lord, break my pride.

:: things you don't learn in school ::

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”

-Neil Gaiman-

____________________________________________________________

Why am i in school again? Oh, yeah. Cause everyone says i have to be.

:: how much is enough ::

It's not that i don't have time. Like i've said not too very long ago, i'm still getting the hang of managing it properly.

It's not that i don't want to study. Like i've said not too very long ago, i've got a very short attention span. And there's only so much attention i can willingly spend on finance.

It's not that i'm fickle. Like i've said not too very long ago, i'm still getting the hang of knowing my own thoughts. Sometimes, when i finally do, it changes. Then i have to re-acquaint myself with it all over again.

It's not that i don't want to be there for you. Like i've said not too very long ago, i'm still learning how to respond to things that i've never experienced before. I don't have all the answers.

It's not that i want to disappoint you. Like i've said not too very long ago, i've committed myself to things that i find more worthwhile compared to the things that YOU think are worthwhile. Let me grow. You may be older, but i just may have caught on to something you've never even dreamed about.

It's not that i don't care for you anymore. Like i've said not too very long ago, we've just drifted apart. Love is such an obscure thing. And people change. Maybe we just have to learn how to be friends again.

It's not just that.

"Events are cowards. They don't occur singly; but instead they run in packs and leap out at you all at once." - Neil Gaiman

:: puzzling ::

You puzzle me.

I'm puzzle-fied.

I've got no time for this. Go away.

Back to work.

Good note : Ellie walked in the rain today. It was liberating. It's nice being notty once in a while. Ellie says she's not square. In fact, she's round. Very round.

Bad note : Finals in 2 weeks. La di da.

:: just maybe ::

I actually don't feel like blogging all that much. But it's one of those afternoons that you reflect on (because the public declares it a holiday) and realise, that if you don't write it down (or type it) whichever your preference, something may just slip from your fingers. A memory, a thought, a dream, an idea...a something.

Anyways, i've been feeling really tired lately. It seems that no matter how often or how *long* i sleep, i still feel tired. I've been feeling rather dry too. It's hard to say what it is exactly but i guess, it happens when God wants to remind you what and why exactly you're doing what you're doing.

I was so dry that i popped an MTG into my faithful lappie and spent a good 3 hours listening to 3 different messages. It was a good reminder. But it wasn't quite what i was looking for. Then came last Sunday. Ps Kenneth spoke really good messages in BOTH services, but it was the 2nd one that really got to me. It was what i needed. It was what that i know now, shall keep me *continuing* what i have been doing. Only perhaps, with a more clearer purpose. A clearer direction that i *am* indeed walking in the path that He's laid out for me.

I had a dream or vision. Whatever you want to call it. It was such a long time ago. Beginning of 2006 i think. When i first started to actively serve in CampusCity. My previous leader, asked during one of our "power group" meetings, "Where do you see yourself in terms of serving, in the near future?" During that time, i wasn't sold to the vision of Acts or CampusCity yet. I only went cause well, my leaders asked me to. But i began to like it. Just so you guys know, i started off with ushering first :)

But anyway, i prayed about it. Where did i see myself being in terms of serving in the near future (haha, i was even thinking of not serving at all), but God has different plans and He gave me this picture. I saw myself back-up singing (which is what my then leader was currently serving as) and i saw myself worship leading. At the time, i was thinking, "I can't do it. So scary. I can't sing in public, much less worship God in public." But i could feel within me then, that i really wanted to do it. That if i was given the opportunity, the know-how's and training of doing what she did, i could. And i told that leader that i saw myself doing so.

Guess what i'm doing now? :)

That particular leader of mine is no longer in CampusCity, moved on to what God has given her a picture to do. But i'm still here. Serving in CampusCity. Doing exactly what i told her i was going to do.

It was a dream that i've forgotten until last evening as Ps Kenneth preached. Just a few days before yesterday, i was questioning my role as worship coordinator and i was concerned. Spoke to my mentor and released my frustrations so to speak. I felt i wasn't doing a good job. I felt that i wasn't leading or inspiring my team as i should be. I felt...inadequate. I felt i wasn't doing what i was called to do. I mean, a calling is supposed to be easy no? Especially if you're MEANT for that particular calling. And a few days ago, i wasn't sure if worship was mine. It didn't help when i wasn't seeing what *i* wanted to see in the team, in the service, in the whole thing. *Something* was missing.

And Ps Kenneth said, "Don't wonder too much about what you're called to. GOD doesn't forget what He has called you to. He doesn't change His mind. Don't let the enemy rob you of a dream that you were meant to have. Don't lose that cutting edge in you."

And i remembered that dream or vision He gave to me. I'm already living it out.

Who am i to give it up just because i felt dry? Or inadequate?

Who am i to forget what God has called me to do?

Okay, so admittedly, i can definitely do better than what i'm doing now. But sometimes when we keep doing and doing till we forget WHY we're doing what we do, we don't do it as well as we should?

And we're supposed to. We're supposed to serve Him and CONTINUE serving Him. Steadfastly. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9

I *felt* that i wasn't making an impact. When in fact, i could. If i tried letting go of MY controls, if i let His Spirit flow through me and use me as He wishes. Instead of being the stubborn, chicken-shit i am. I could and i CAN make an impact. I may not have the greatest voice in the world, neither can i play any instruments (at the moment) but just maybe...i'm placed where in the position that i'm in for a reason that only He knows.

I remember my dream(s) now. And i'm gonna claim everything that God has planned for me. He only has His best. Applies in every aspect too. I can only do what i do now, better :) And that's a comfort. I'm not gonna stop growing (not physically of course) and i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing. Only better. With God helping me, i will.

It's just You and me again, Lord.
Some people may find it hard to believe, but just maybe...i am where i am because You want me to be :)

:: accepted in the beloved ::

It's a good reminder for everyone that we're loved. Whether or not, we're good. Or bad. We serve. Or don't. When we say the wrong things. Or right. We're still loved in His eyes.

Why is it so hard for people to believe that they're loved then?

I felt overwhelmed with God's love once again knowing that i'm not perfect. As much as i try, i can never be just that. Not even with my obsessive compulsive disorder. I've done a couple of things in the past that i'm not proud of. Like, really. And yet, He still loves me so. He still led me to Him after all that i've done.

That feeling of knowing that although we've done some things that are not pleasing in His sight, it's with those same eyes that He sees us, for who we are. And loves us all the same.

How can you not believe that you're loved? Especially when He IS love.

My beloved spoke, and said to me :
"Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away."
-Song of Songs 2:10-

There are some things that i don't question. God's love is one of them.

:: making my peace ::

I had a very productive day. At least, i feel it has been productive.

I had a long day of class. Met up with TimTam for lunch (after such a long time, ya, Tim?), so that was nice :)

I felt a bit lost in my finance classes today but that only spurred me on to start studying for finals already. Heh. Scared dy.

I made a list of 12 things to do yesterday. Out of which, i only completed one task. Today, at precisely 8.45pm, i made a list of 7 tasks and i completed 6. It just goes to prove that focus is good. And that i'm an obsessive compulsive freak who loves checking lists. :D

I sense satisfaction every time something gets crossed off my lists. It thrills me.

Random thought : Yes, i'm good at some things. Like, spewing out emails and making new friends. But hopelessly retarded in others. Like finance and techy stuff. Aren't we all? Hehehehehe. God's grace is sufficient.

On days like these
When the rain won't fall
And the sky is so dry that even birds can't call
I can feel your tears disappearing in the air
Carried on the breeze
On days like these

It's years like these
That make a young man old
Bend his back against the promises that life should hold
They make him wise
They can drive him to his knees
Nothing comes for free
On days like these

But you can't reap what you don't sow
And you can't plant in hollow ground
So let us fill this empty earth with hope
Until the rains come down

In lives like these
Where every moment counts
I add up all the things that I can live without
When the one thing left is the blessing of my dreams
I can make my peace
With days like these.

-Janis Ian-Days Like These-

Yeah, i can definitely make my peace with days like these.

P/S : After watching this and this, not to mention this, i do believe my little monkee friend was right. Maternal instincts are surfacing. Darn. I think you guys should worry. Lols.

:: updates ::

Yes, i've gotten lazy.

#1. I had an awesome birthday. Thank you, everyone, for just being awesome people who MADE my birthday awesome. From the "present for every year", to Smiggles, to chocolates that will last me months, to the java chip, to the impromptu curry-fish-head dinner, to the oversea phone calls, to the Nero Vivo's dinner, it's been amazing. You guys know who you are. Thank you :)

#2. I got the internship at GE! Praise God! :) Will write more about this when i have more time.

#3. I handed up a really poor excuse for an assignment on Monday. It'll be by God's grace if i passed it. Almost regret for handing it in on time :S

#4. I've undertaken tasks to last me all the way till Feb 2008. How brilliant. Lols :)

#5. Semester is ending in less than a month. So *not* prepared for finals.

#6. I've got this itch in my heart. The more i scratch it, the more annoyed/confused i get. I'm growing indifferent.

#7. I played lanterns this year. In SS15 playground. My kampung Subang friends got to meet my kampung ACTS friends.

#8. I joined Facebook. 'Nuff said.

#9. Sookie and Leen says i'm fat. The weighing machine says i've lost weight.

#10. I hate feeling indifferent. I hate being treated indifferently too. I think i'll go watch a movie. Or read a book. Escapism is good.


Itch. Itch. Itch.

I miss my "kaki-gatal" gang. *sad face*

:: busy busy ::

Oh wow. I'm surviving the week!!!

Scratch that, i'm OVERCOMING the week! *laughs* Two major assignment down, one more to go!

Saturday : Ps Andy Yeoh and Jay Loh's Wedding. (Congratulations to the now, Mr and Mrs Andy Yeoh! Hehehehe)
Sunday : Full-day in church.
Monday : MGW2430 Asgmt due.
Tuesday : GE interview.
Wednesday : Worship practice in CC.
Thursday : CampusCity.
Friday : AFW3651 Asgmt due and Huddle (cell group) in the evening.
Saturday : SALT.
Sunday : Another full day in church.

Life's exciting isn't it?? Will blog more about my GE interview soon. Really thank God and all glory to Him for the fact that i was even shortlisted. My presentation was the pits but i received pretty good feedback! Even if i don't get the internship aka a place in the Graduate Leader's Program (GLP), it was a great experience to take home :)

Blessed week, everyone!

Oh, and a happy belated birthday to CHANG SOOK WAI! You're my girl ;) i KNOW you enjoyed yourself at Snow Patrol. Now have a great time doing everything else! *hug*

________________________________________________________

And today, i do believe is NICHOLAS KOK's birthday. Lols. Happy birthday, dude. Have a great one ;)

:: where's your string ::

It's a bee-you-ti-ful morning. May not be as sunny as i would've liked it. But it's good enuf ;) Am all snugged up in the library, going to start studying for my financial management mid-semester test. Not looking forward to it but that doesn't mean i have to mope and rant about how Monash is evil. Heehheehhee. That'll only drive people away no? Life's good. And i feel fuzzy. God loves me. So....*sings with Michael Buble*

I've got the world on a string
I'm sitting on a rainbow
Got that string around my finger
What a world, what a life - I'm in love

I've got a song that I sing
And I can make the rain go
Any time I move my finger
Lucky me, cant you see - I'm in love

Life's a wonderful thing
As long as I've got that string
I'd be a silly so-and-so
If I should ever let you go

I've got the world on a string
I'm sitting on the rainbow
I've got that string around my finger
Oh, What a world, what a life - I'm in love

Life's a wonderful thing
As long as I hold the string
I'd be a crazy so-and-so
If I should ever let her go

I've got the world on a string
I'm sitting on a rainbow
I got that string around my finger
What a world, what a life
Oh, what a world, what life
What a world, what life, cause I'm in love
(He's in love, he's in love)
I'm in love
(Got the world on a string)
And what a wonderful thing
(Alright)
When you get the world on a string
(Uh huh)

*grin* Have a great week ahead, everyone! :)

:: a star-life ::

I am destined to live a life in view of God's perspective. But today, i found out how scared i really am to see things from His view.

I've heard Ps Judah's messages from Generation Church, Seattle so many times. But this is the first time he made me cry. If you only knew what i've heard, you'd know why i cried. "Point of View" is what you should be listening to.

It's true. Somewhere in my heart, i think just like him. I don't want to be like Abram complaining about how God didn't give him a son. But i want to be the Abram that God took outside of his tent and "look up to the heavens and count the stars". (Genesis 15:1-5) I want to truly know what it means to look at stars, each one representing a life.

I'm in CampusCity and Acts Church for a reason. And i think, my perspective just changed. I don't know how. I don't know if i even dare to. But i sit and pray, that God, you show me how things are more than just what it seems. Lord, i thank You for what You've done. But there's so much more. Help me to look now, Lord.

I want out of my tent too.

:: passing the time ::

Am sitting in the library, level 3, next to my big-big windows again. Group mates have left to their respective classes and lunch appointments, so i'm left with some "me-time". Bored and sleepy lah.

Can't wait to have my presentation over and done with. Once it's over, i've got my AFW2631 mid-sem test to study for, a 2500-word MGW2430 report to write, and another 2500-word AFW3651 report that just had to join in the fun! Whoop-dee-doo. Monash is sick, i tell you. I can't wait till the 1st of October for some time to *breathe*. Then again, 2 weeks after that, i'll be having finals. Oh gawd.

*hyperventilates*

I need to do well. I need to.

*************************************************

Dear Shi Wei,

Just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday :) It's been years, babe. And as much as i get annoyed, irritated and just drained by you sometimes, i'm still very fond of you. You're still the little boy i call my best boy buddy. And the one i know is there when i need you :) This year's summer holidays might not have been the best for you and i know i didn't make that much effort to spend time with you due to my own busy-ness, but i have NOT forgotten your birthday :) Don't think i ever will. Lols. We September babies stick together, yes? ;)

I hope you have a great one. Don't be notty and don't do anything i wouldn't! ;) May you have an awesome 20th birthday. Cheer up and enjoy yourself ok!

Have a java chip on me. *hug*

Love, ellie.

:: high on coffee ::

Yeps, it's that time of the semester again. Been telling everyone how i'm *so* not looking forward to September. It's a horrible school month. And you guys know i don't drink coffee. Not much anyways. And what it does to me when i do.

Which is why i'm still wide awake on a school night at *this* time. Time : 2.00am. Wooot! I still feel rather hyper. Lols. And i plan to head to school early to do my essay too. Heehee.

Got so many things due soon that it's scary. Am gonna type out what i have to do as a HUGE reminder :D

#1. AFW3651 mid-sem test this Wednesday.
#2. MGW2430 Assignment 1 due Friday.
#3. MW2430 Presentation next Monday.
#4. AFW2631 mid-sem test next Friday.

Not to mention, the tutorials and mini-homework that we have to do in between.

It's gonna be an exciting two weeks! :D It's a good time to be praying and fasting. Hehehehhee.

Run, Ellie, run! Dumdeedum.

P/S : Check this out. It's so good, i laughed till i cried. So typically malaysian lah. You have to watch ALL the adverts, by the way. You won't regret it! I promise :D

It's SEPTEMBER already. BRING IT ON!!!

:: who wants to go to boston? ::

Yes, i'm feeling a bit emo. Again. It's a blessing that these emo moments don't happen like, everyday. Hahahahaha.

But since i *am* feeling emo, might as well do something productive, yes?

Like, blogging. Hahahahhaa.

This whole week has been crazy man. So many stuffs happened that i don't even know where to begin! So, i won't start. Lols. Some good, some not-so-good. Hrms. Half-thankful that it's the weekend already. Came one day earlier cause, as you ALL know (you smarty-pants peoples), it IS our national day in approximately hrm, 2 hours and 49 minutes. And guess where Ellie is...

You guessed right! She's at home!! Amazing huh???
Yeah, i'm pretty amazed too. Last year, i think i was counting down at Starbucks. And i *do* believe i spilled/splurted my caramel frapp over ChoongYang. Lols. Or was that new year's? :D

What a difference a year makes. (sings to the tune of "What a Difference A Day Makes" by Renee Olstead) If a year continues to pass by *this* fast, i think i'll have to start wearing one of em' high-speed jet thingies to keep up and zoom ahead of Time.

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston...where no one knows my name..
-Boston by Augustana-

Yeah, i'd like to run to Boston. Just for 5 minutes or so :)

It's not even as if my life is so bad that i'd like to run away. In fact, it's been great, really interesting (although the situation with parents could improve a teensy bit). But it's always tempting to want to run away anyhow...and just see what it's *like* to be in a new place, new environment. Where nobody, like, NO ONE, knows your name. =/

Maybe i won't stay home after all. I could always find some hobo's to countdown with. Lols.

Happy Merdeka, everyone!

(this goes out especially to all you overseas people who *should* be out celebrating with your mini malaysian groups)
God bless Malaysia! :D

(yes, i quite meant that) *smile*

:: slow and steady ::

I don't know what it's like to lose a father. I can't imagine it, really.

My condolences to you and your family. Manda dear, we're keeping you in prayer here at CC and ACTS. You amaze us with your strength and steadiness. Know that even if you lose your earthly father, your heavenly one is still watching over you. May His peace guard your heart and mind throughout this time. Soon, this will pass too. *hug*

God bless you and your family. May your father rest in peace. Amen.

*************************************************************

Situations like these, it makes you wonder how fragile life really is. Let's not waste time and effort into things that are not eternal. God is eternal. The Lord gives and He takes away. It's scary not knowing the if's, the when's and the how's.

But i believe we're in good hands :)

He knows what He's doing.

:: isaiah 40 ::

I felt led to this passage today during devotion this morning. Tis' true i felt discouraged, tis' true i was growing tired and weary. I had people asking me if was fine yesterday when i *felt* fine. Maybe my outward appearance shows more than i know. Hrm. But the worst of it all, tis' true that i feel like a survivor. Not an overcomer.

But God says, "Cry out!" And cry out i did.

These are exciting times. I have no time to grow weary and tired. But if i do, the bible is where i should go to. In the daily bread yesterday, it says we need to "spiritually decompress". Such a canggih-fying word. But nevertheless true.

Live in simplicity. Do less, but achieve more.

"Young men may stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord shall renew their strength. " - Isaiah 40:30-31

Note to self :

It's not a sign of weakness, when it's out of your control. To everything there is a reason, and a time for letting go. Things aren't always as they seem to be, sometimes life is something you can't see. It's more than meets the eye :)

:: nothing is impossible ::

This weekend has certainly been interesting. Spent most of yesterday in church cause of SALT service which is Acts' Church Leader's Training and then, i stayed back for Teenacity Party : Freedom Fighters to help out :D It was good being mobilised although i was quite lost most of the time since there was nothing much for me to do. Lols. Felt weird sitting back and just *enjoying* the party :) But it's all good. Oh, and i got a toy soldier too. It says, "Enlisted at Teenacity Party." Teehee.

Spent the whole of TODAY in church. Quite literally. Studied a bit of Treasury Management in between services. Peoples, did u know Acts' Church has an evening service? You didn't? Now you do. Hehehhehe. It's from 5-7pm every Sunday. So if you tell me you can't wake up for church, this is the service you should be at ;)

It was really awesome. Our first service had 138 people. Most of which were Revolution Conference delegates. As for today, i think there were about 40 people. I *think*. It may be less, but it's still good :) Hope to see it grow to 300 by the end of the year. Have volunteered to serve there since i'm not allowed out on weeknights, so, i'm going to maximise my weekends in church :) Best part, i come home just in time for dinner :D

Parents think i'm crazy for attending two services, but i really don't care anymore. What they have to say, just can't compare to the feeling of seeing people grow, seeing the opportunities of reaching out to people who don't know Christ. Yet. And no, i'm not rebelling. I just think, if i spent 5 days a week, staying at home to study and do miserable assignments, surely my weekends can be used to be a blessing to others? I need to get fed too, y'know.

If i stay at home on a Sunday afternoon, all i do is sleep anyways. Heh. Might as well study in church right right? :D

It's been a super long day. And i'm physically tired, naturally. Was thinking of starting my essay, but i think, i've done enough *work* for today. I'm gonna enjoy my sabbath. God did have one day of rest yes? I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes :) After all, His grace for me is sufficient.

I've been thinking so much about this message i heard by Pastor Matt Fielder from PlanetUni, Melbourne. Which is like, how CampusCity is to Acts' Church >>> PlanetUni is to PlanetShakers. He's a really in-your-face speaker, judging from the message i heard. And he said something really beautiful in my mind. One that i think we can all learn, take to heart...and eventually, or immediately, practice ;)

This was asked by a little girl, to her mom :

If God is so big that the world couldn’t contain Him, if He’s so huge that you cant see the beginning or the end of Him, if God is so massive that planet earth is His footstool, and yet He lives inside of me, shouldn’t people see Him bursting out of me?

I know i'm not the perfect example of a Christian. I don't know the Old Testament much. I can't say that i can tell you what verse is what or where at any time. I can't say that i don't curse or gossip or be slow to anger. I can't say i know how to *be* like Jesus either.

But i *can* say that by His grace, i'm trying to change and be the best i can be, according to His word. And as He leads, i will follow.

And i guess, i pray, that maybe someday, people will follow me as i follow Him.

Word of the week : Nothing is impossible. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, amen? :)

:: Thought, who? ::

Okay, it sucks knowing that i've effectively shot myself in the foot.

How fast my mood changes. Go away, Thought.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 10:5

I'm catching you, Thought. You're cheating.

I'm not ready yet.

A heart that's been buried in the ground
Can't break it if it's never found
I spent so much time digging that grave
And even if it's pain that I feel
At least I know that it's real
I�d rather be broken than afraid
Can April hours spring
Signs of life in me.
-LifeHouse-

:: stardust ::

Stardust by Neil Gaiman is like one of my favourite fictions. I love his books. Some of them albeit too illustrative and dark, but nevertheless, interesting. I imagine a lot. Kinda weird, since i'm nearing twenty and technically, i should *not* be thinking of fairy tales and stuff. But sometimes, it's nice to daydream. And think of the stories in books you've read. The lands you've never been to. The people you've never met. (and no, i don't mean fantasy lands that u get high on okay *ahem*) Just simple daydreams.

Just imagine, if you can meet a star. I was surfing for info on the Stardust movie (yes, it's being made into a movie), i noticed that they're not quite following the book, which is kinda sad cause the story is originally sweet. Then again, i'm no movie producer. Maybe the change will help boost box office sales (not likely). But i noticed this quote, which is *not* in the book, and i figured, just maybe, it could be worth the watch.

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again.

But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and...

What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.

To think it is gonna be said by a star. Metaphorically, of course.

:: of blue skies and anti-socialites ::

I'm quite anti-social. Contrary to what others believe. I suppose i used to think that i can never survive alone. As in, i MUST have kawans to be around me to keep sane (sometimes, its still true). But you know, since this semester started, i have been *very* anti-social. In wherever, really. Not just in school. It's weird huh. But i'm beginning to think that this phrase i heard from somewhere is true.

You can still feel alone in a crowd.

So emo right? LOL. But its true. There are just times that you really just wanna be alone and have some peace. I had *lots* of quiet moments today. Early in the morning cause i was 2 hours early for class, and during my one-hour break. Sat on a bench at my favourite spot in campus. In between block 6 and 9, level 4. Lols. So odd. Feels Harry Potter-ish wih his 9 and 3/4 station :D

Aaaanyways, i've been stealing away to my fav spot and reading my bible, or doing my homework and just being anti-social there lah. Once in a while, there'll be other anti-socialites to ber-anti-social with me. Hehehe. But knowing we're anti-socialites, we don't talk to each other either. We enjoy each other's *silent* company.

Today, especially, i got to appreciate how blue the sky was. Cue for Strays Don't Sleep to play. And i was reading Psalm 139. And i just started talking to God. While looking up at the blue blue sky. It felt good. I bet He knew i was gonna do so :) You know when i sit and when i rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar-Psalm 139:2. Spending quiet times at my fav spot is actually why i'm so happy today. Not laughable happy, but the i-can-smile-without-feeling-like-a-hypocrite happy. It was just..peaceful. Something i lacked in the weekend. And He knows the times when we need to just chill and stay away from crowds.

I had my moment today. And now, i'm ready to face the world again.

A big thank you to the someone who gave me the Fellowship of the Unashamed site. I choose to personally live by it as much as i can.

Excerpts :

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure.

I now live by presence, lean by faith, love by patience, lift by prayer and labor by power.

I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted, or delayed.

I must go until Heaven returns, give until i drop, preach until all know and work until He comes.

And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problems recognising me.

*****************************************************************

Random thought : People-watching is *not* stalking. It's good for those who actively imagine. Lols.

A bina ayat question my 7-year-old-brother told me (his friend did this btw) :
Word : Dipotong
Ayat : Emak dipotong oleh epal.

Word : Memotong
Ayat : Epal memotong emak dengan pisau.

Funny la. Cracked me up crazy :D

:: what would you do ::

Got into an accident today. Hit a motorcyclist, on the way to the Revolution Conference.

Funny how my accidents occur when i'm on my way to church.

Lost my voice. Crying, singing, cheering and squealing. In that order.

Lost my courage. Wondering how to tell daddy-o how i got into an accident, sent the motorcyclist to the workshop, sent him to the clinic, went to church to drop my friends off, sent MY car to the workshop, go for the conference and contemplated not telling my parents at all since the car repair person did such a good job. (A huge thank you to the few in my car that helped me keep a sane mind during the entire journey to all the above places)

My conscience wouldn't shut up. It bugged me since i came home. I've never lied to my parents. Kept things from them, sure, but never lied. I told them i was a Christian 3 days after i accepted Christ into my life after all. I didn't lie about it and assumed an undercover Christian role. Why start now, right?

So i told.

And the outcome was unfavourable.

God says He'll never leave me nor forsake me. That if my parents did, He'll take care of me.

Why do i feel so scared then?

How to be a revolutionary like this??!

Times like these, i really DO hate being a first-gen Christian. I always wondered what it'll be like, born into a Christian family who believed, loved and served the same good God. It's times like these that bring me down, and cause me to consider that perhaps, i really do spend too much time in church.

But then again, if you have something good, and you KNOW it's good, how can you let it go? If you've seen and tasted that God is good, how could you not be blessed? I don't know why i get into these scrapes, but Lord, You do. And i really hope, no Lord, i BEG, that You use this as some sort of example to someone else.

There's no way i'm going to suffer and die here if it's not gonna mean something to someone else.

Small sigh.

It hurts when the people you live with don't understand why you do the things you do. And the worst part, they don't listen even when you try to tell them.

:: showtime ::

I'm uber tired. But uber excited too. I uber disliketh math. Worst, I uber crave java chip.

I uber love huge windows. Am in Monash's library sitting at one of their uber huge tables next to windows that are wayyyyy taller than me. Uber rawks man.

Uber uber. *grin*

Revolution Conference is ON tomorrow! Will be uber busy till it's all over. Hehehehe.

Till then, toodles! :D

P/S : Skype uber annoying since yesterday.

:: broken ::

That's the title of the song that's been playing in my head over and over again. It's by Lifehouse, by the way. Their new album is not bad :)

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like You've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to You

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see Your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to You

I'm handin' on another day
Just to see what You will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words You say
You said that I will be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home.

**************************************************

Was really shaken up by a few things that happened today. Things just didn't go my way and i guessed part of me wondered why not. Part of me asked, "Lord, why didn't You come through for me?" Some things are just easier said than done. I *will* pull through. It sucks feeling restricted in the things you want to do, despite knowing that this is only for a season. Like i said, easier said than done.

Things happen for a reason anyway. And maybe, just maybe, or actually, i KNOW, Lord, You've got better things in store for me. I'm hanging on to the words You say.

C'mon, Lord. Don't leave me stuck here.

And You say, "He who heeds the word wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he." - Proverbs 16:20

Or in this case...

...happy is she.

:: puzzled ::

It always turns out this way. Always have, always will? *wrinkles nose*

Lord, tell me why i'm so puzzled even though i knew it was coming?

I feel disappointed and relieved at the same time.

Puzzling.

Minor fall, major lift. You're all i need.

:: oh priorities ::

Gonna be a lil jonah today. (inside joke)

Not that i want to, no choice wan. Woke up friggin' early at 6am this morning despite sleeping at 2am doing this

People do weird things in the wee hours of the morning. Hahaha. I'm officially a genius though :D With the help of Jason and Sookie. Argh. The brain itch. You guys should try it. Can come find me if cannot find answer dy. Fun in a way. Tiringly annoying when you can't get it sometimes. 15 men on a dead men's chest...yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Don't understand? Yeah, don't have to.

Lots of things coming along my way. Sometimes i wonder, can ah can ah? In Jesus' name, CAN :D

It was our yearly ladies conference for the past 2 days. BLOOM Conference 2007, themed "Contagious!" It was great :) Had a lot of fun. Lols. Became a total bimbo by going for a makeup/grooming workshop and *learning* that there are a million things to do before you put on make up. A million things you do *while* you put on make up. And a million things you *should* do when you take it off. *laughs* Is it any wonder why i never bothered?

I'll learn. *consoles self*

It was even *more* fun in the other workshop. How to be a domestic goddess. All right man. The art of rolling and using measuring tapes. :D Oh. Not forgetting, learning about undergarment fittings :D Practical yes yes. And the girlies got roses too! :D On contrary to what Eunice' thinks, i DO like flowers. Occasionally. I always thought they were unnecessary. But once in a while, they make nice surprises. *hint* Have always been a white lily than a rose fan though ;)

Hey. I've got a cool picture.

Come.For.The.Revolution.2007. Spread.the.word. Click here.

:: reunion 2007 pictures ::

My favourite shot with Addy dear. Admit it, i look good. (mostly cause i don't look like me hehehe)

Just wanted to post up some new pictures so that my blog doesn't look so boring. Am wondering how to put up the flooble chatterbox? Macam mane ah? Kawans, boleh tolong tak? :D

Ellie, Adelin and Ian Zing.

A group pic of our table.

Me. Mwahahahaha. In an electric blue dress. Retro or what? :D (taken in Pan-Pac toilet, i love mirrors!)

:: flyaways ::

Yeah, thoughts are flying everywhere. Kinda fun. It's like going on a joyride you don't wanna stop. Unless it's bad thoughts you're having. But i'm not. So its fun! :D Been thinking of perfect days...*happy spasms*

Have been looking for this quote...

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?" - God, Evan Almighty

I likey. Makes sense no?

I have finance homework to do. Blehs. Guess the joyride has to end sometime. Lols. *skips off happily*

:: expecting ::

I don't know exactly what i'm expecting. I just feel really excited. It's fun being part of a team, championing a cause that's greater than ourselves and just knowing that God will work with and through us. Yeah, feels good.

Oh wait, in a nutshell, i expect God to help in making all things work for every plan we're going to carry out for both the conference and evening service. I expect you to reply my email and just tell me where we're at exactly. You can't deny that we've not spoken a word for 2 weeks now. I expect you to give me a break and just let me live my student life the way i want to live it. And that is, with no regrets. I expect you to not take me for granted. I expect you to call and say hello once in awhile, just to ask how i am. I expect acts of random kindness to be done by everyone. It's the only way to change the world.

Am i expecting too much? *shrug*

*******************************************************

I'm tired, physically, but so terribly excited. Lols. Are you guys coming for Revolution Conference? You should. Our cause : Every student in Malaysia has the right to hear about the good news at least once. I wished someone would've told me about God sooner in my life. But then, He knows the whys, the whens and hows. And i guess, in more than one ways, i can't ask for more than the life i'm already living now :)

Hey, did you guys know that The Simpsons movie is so...ooo stoopid? Funny, sure. But if i wasn't already stoopid, i'm like, retarded now. Lols. IQ minus 10 points. Bah. Spider pig...spider pig...does whatever a spider pig does.... Help. Lols. I still love Bart (and his selfish idiosyncrasies) and Lisa (and her saxophone skills plus passion for causes greater than herself) tho. Doodles. *slaps forehead* Lols.

Craving for a java chip treat. I miss.

:: learning to choose ::

The choices we make determines the paths we take. Whether or not it's aligned with God's will, the choice doesn't only lie with Him, but with us as well. Just got back from Leader's Summit on Tuesday. It was really awesome :) I don't have any pictures with me, but i certainly took a lot of memories and teachings back with me. I think every leader has something to share about what they caught from the leader's summit. I have my own too :)

Most of mine was learning to deal with my own fears and inadequacies. Of knowing that it's okay to go into something without knowing the basics. Without training. Despite doing it for months now, it still gets to me. And i guess i can safely say, that i'm *completely* over my inadequacies. Choosing to trust God to lead when the time comes :) I guess there's nothing more that He wants besides wanting us to lean on Him for strength and wisdom. Not by might, or power but by His spirit, yes? :)

Another thing i had to deal with was on dealing with my family. Getting involved with the Evening Service and well, basically, being a part of a movement to reach out to EVERY student in Malaysia and share the good news, well, i've known since the beginning that it's not just fun and games. It's gonna take commitment, hard work and most of all, giving the best that i can give out of all that i have. Which means, everything lah. I had to deal with just how much was i willing to give. And not only that, i had this hypocritical side of me that said, "You can't even save your family and you wanna save every student in Malaysia? Please-lah." Like, ouch.

Yes, my inadequacies. Insecurities. What-nots. Whatever you call it.

It took a lot out of me (losing sleep, etc), just having personal debates within myself. What with my being *grounded*, i was so very tempted to just let go...and haha, backslide as a certain person been claiming i have. Been on a low profile not attending ACTStream and all, didn't think anyone'd notice. Aaaaanyways, i'm rambling. The last worship session at leader's summit kinda broke all these thoughts. And i literally, broke free from just wanting to hold back from doing what i knew was right to do, and just giving God all my insecurities. All you peoples who have something to say regarding what i've been doing, say-lah what you want.

I don't really care anymore. God has placed something in my heart to build Him a great big house. And a great big house is what He's gonna get. Or at least, i'll do the best i can with the girls He's entrusted me to build, and just run with that assurance. I'm a home-grown ACTS-ter and proud of it. Not even the devil can change that fact. And i'm going to reproduce. (not biologically, of course, not yet anyway :P )

Take my life, and all that i have to give
Take my world, just inhabit all of it
Take my dreams, make me assuredly Yours.

Lord, i'm gonna trust Your timing. And that means not knowing how or when You are going to do something. I surrender my family and current situation to You. You know. I can only wait. When i grow weary of waiting, or if i find myself disappointed or discouraged, i'm going to choose to trust You. I'm going to choose not to trust myself or be self-dependent. I'm going to choose to know that You will be faithful in every situation in my life, whatever they may be. Lord, i'm going to choose giving You all that i have to give.

I thank You for the leaders and wonderful friends You've placed in my life, supporting and encouraging me when i need it most. Sometimes, when they don't even know they're doing so. I know it's You, Lord, constantly reminding me that i'm not alone. There are brothers and sisters suffering alongside with me. And i thank You, most of all, for Your amazing love. Always steady and unchanging, firm beneath my feet. Amen.

Thank you to you, you and you. Know that you're appreciated. Even if i don't say it to your face :)

:: breathing room ::

New season. New semester. New challenges. New tasks. New outlook. New everything.

Stepping up to the next level of faith. And hopefully, not fearing :)

"When fear increases, faith ceases." Good quote by the BFG, that one.

Definitely for me. I pray that i won't be too chicken to face up to the new things that are coming my way. The technically *new* situations that i've brought myself into. It's been exciting so far, and i trust it's gonna be even better!

Read in an article by Dr John C. Maxwell that we all need breathing rooms. About having margins in our lives that will give us breathing rooms so that when something goes wrong, as it surely will sooner or later-the problem isn't as bad as it seems. Margins that don't just apply to finances but time and relationships as well. I learnt a lot from that article. Short as it was.

I need margins. And breathing room. I need to know that if i work hard enough in building them into my life with time, effort and purpose, i can turn those margins into options which will give me a choice to live a more fulfilled and purposeful life. We can do anything in the world, if we want it badly enough and if we are willing to pay the price. Paying the price for the freedom we have yet to truly experience. Everything we do, is gonna cost us something. I'm just wondering, how prepared am i to pay the price? :)

I like how Dr Maxwell said that for people without margins, everything is hard and difficult and some things are impossible. For people with margins, however, things may be difficult, but nothing is impossible.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can answer questions through the wisdom He has given me. Act the way He's taught and asked me to act through His Word. By imitating my leaders even as they imitate Him.

So many things to do, so little time. That's why we need margins to get a bit of room to breathe.

P/S : BenJi is a retarded hamster. I was asked to do this. And this doesn't make my thoughts before redundant :D

:: reconstruction at work ::

So, due to the mistakes that i have made, the lack of preparation for *my* paper that i did not passed, lots of things have been taken away from me. Privileges that at this moment, i prolly don't deserve to receive. It sucks, yes. It hurts, yes. But the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Maybe i'm not prepared to receive the privilleges now. I don't know. But i'm learning to trust God even more.

On a brighter note, it's LIFE Party today! Back to school! Yays. I'm gonna wear a knee-length skirt, collared white shirt, black tie (which i will rip off and replace with my SU Pengawas tie the moment i get the chance to) and tie my hair into not one, but TWO ponytails. Yays.

I suppose i should give thanks for the little joys that i *have* received. Hard, but life goes on. Reminder to self : Everyday is an important day, every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, demonstrate love or to depend on God. (Warren, 2002) "...And God is faithful. He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

Ah, tempt, test. I *think* i'm still standing.

:: reconstructing my world ::

It's been a crazy week, what with the Fido event and results coming out. Did horribly for finals. Half expected to fail one unit and whaddaya know, i did. Can't blame anyone but myself really. It's funny how even though you half-expect it to happen, it still hurts crazy when it's made official. It's the first unit i've failed in uni and by God's grace and mercy, let it be the last. I cried until i had no more tears left to cry. I was just so scared on what to tell my parents. Was and am very afraid about whether i could still go to church, much more, SERVE in church, could i go for the Leader's Summit and just this afternoon, i was asked to go for OA trip next weekend. But thank God for His word, His assurance, most of all, His promises. He spoke through Psalm 40 and Romans 8. It really spoke into my life. It was no coincidence when my mentor and some friends prayed for me using words from these 2 passages.

God has and always will be gracious to me. Sometimes i forget to look at the bigger picture. Have told my parents about results already. Things did *not* go as good as i hoped it to go, but like my mentor said, our not-so-good may not be the same as God's not-so-good. Two sides of a coin, i guess. Which perspective do you want to have? A fleshly, entirely human one? Or God's? I'm trying to look at the latter. Learning to look from the latter. Slowly discovering and hopefully, *am* walking in the ways He wants me to go.

Had so many things run through my mind about what i'm gonna do about my results, even considered changing courses. Or dropping my finance major. But i feel that God's put me into this place for a reason, this course and majors for a reason, and i'm gonna walk it through. It's easier of course to do all that i *thought* to do, but where's the breakthrough in that? He says in Romans 8:28, "...all will work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose."So be it. I'll suck it in and pass every infuriating finance paper even if it kills me. And yes, that means, even to resit this horrible excel-formula-writing-on-paper paper that i've failed.

Dad said i had to stay home from Monday to Friday nights. Whatever church thing i wanna do has to be weekends only. God's grace. I hate the idea of not being able to serve on ACTStream since practice is on every Thursday night, but if this is what it takes to earn my right back to going back to serving in church, so be it. I hate the idea of not being able to go for Prayer Service too, but if that's what i have to do, so be it. I can still serve in CampusCity, i hope. And who knows, maybe i'm suppose to focus on the evening service in church. Bigger picture, i don't see it yet...but it'll reveal itself. God's plans for me, only of peace and not of evil, to give me a future and a hope.

Romans 8:18, "For i consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." These persecutions or disturbances may come, be it through family or friends, or even the external environment, we can be hard-pressed on every side, but we will not be crushed. He promised. And i claim it.

Pray with me, this hiatus from doing all that i've been doing has not made me love God less, instead it's taught me more about Him. But i dare say, it won't be long before i do all that i've been doing, if not more, *again*.

He's brought me this far, i'm not gonna go backwards where He's not there.

I waited patiently for the Lord
And He inclined His ear toward me
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit
Out of the miry clay
And set my feet upon a rock
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth
Praise to our God
Many will see it and fear
And will trust in the Lord.

(fast forward)

Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You
Let such as love Your salvation say continually
"The Lord be magnified!!"
But i am poor and needy
Yet the Lord thinks upon me
You are my help and my deliverer
Do not delay, O my God.

-Psalm 40:1-3, 16-17

I wait.