:: on these things ::

On music,
...i had the itch of Kasey Chambers, "Am I Not Pretty Enough?" in my head all day. Thanks, Sookie, for making the itch disappear :)

On AFW2851's test,
...it went okay. I'm convinced that MCQs just ain't my thing, though.

On MGW3401's poster presentation,
...crap. Crashed and burned in that one. *laughs* I still think it's a waste of time. Isn't it ironic how a class of 20 gets reduced to 6 on poster presentation days? =.="

On preparing my message for OA,
...Lord, talk to me. I don't want to be dependent on me and speak of words that are not from You. There's no power in that.

On thinking of assignments due,
...i promise i will finish them all before OA. I have to. *groans*

On thinking of food,
...mocha mud pie. I miss you.

On the movies i've watched,
...i think it's about time for another chick flick. Or at least something with Tom Hanks in it. Forbidden Kingdom, is not what it claims to be. Be warned.

On you,
...i was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, i wished that i could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there.

On You,
...help me fight the good fight. I don't just wanna lift roofs. I want to lift the floor.

**************************************************

I know i should try harder. Why do you see right through me?
I hates ze feeling of being invizible.

:: long weekend ::

It's been a loo...oooooong weekend. Seriously.

But i realised, this is *normal*. This is what i do every week. And this is what God has called me to do for this season. How can i ask for anything more?

God pours His favor upon me so much that i seriously can't complain. Favor with lecturers. Favor with musicians, haha. Favor with different ones that i just can't explain la. It's really all Him :)

Someone asked me today how i handle everything... :)

It's God's grace. Nothing else.

Sigh, i can only pray that you'll understand someday...

************************************************
On another note, Ellie's got an AFW2851 test AND a poster presentation tomorrow. Both of which are undone. Whoop-dee-doo.

Pray for her. Seriously.

:: ponderings ::

I had a really interesting day today.

Went out for breakfast with Addy and Krystle this morning. Curry chee cheong fun. Yum. It's been ages, babes :) After breakfast, Addy and i sat in her car talking about a multitude of things. Lols. Our conversation spanned across many areas...future career paths, my pending orang asli (OA) trip, our non-existent love lives, our views on religion and heck, even politics.

It's been so long since i last had such an *adult* conversation. Serious stuff ok.

One of the areas we spent talking bout most is of course, the *ideal* boyfriend. Girls mah. And we're of that age where hormones are racing and all that nonsense.

Aaaaanyways, we both discovered...that we're not looking for boyfriends. Lol. If our track record is anything to go by...i think we're looking for husbands. *laughs*

But it's interesting to note, both of us have just not found what we're looking for. And might i safely say, not even close. It's not high expectations. It's not jual-mahal-ing. Whatever that is. It's not even that we look forward to being spinsters at the end of the day. It's just the plain simple fact that....

...we've not found what we're looking for.

I don't see what's so difficult to understand that a girl at our age, has never had a relationship before. Tell you what, Addy, we've got something to be proud of. Market share tinggi. Hahaha.

I stand by my ideal that i'd like my first boyfriend to be my last. And i believe that true love waits. He's worth the wait, me thinks.

Heck, *i* am worth the wait.

*******************************************************

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongues of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

:: two kinds ::

I spent the entire day at home today. I've not done that in i-don't-know-how-long. Am amazed of the fact. Which is prolly why when mom said i can't go play badminton at 9pm, i didn't put up a fight. Heh.

Quiet nights are lovely. When it is spent wisely.

I like it how God refreshes and instills newfound passion into the things that we do. Sometimes we get into the motions and forget the reason why we do stuff. Sometimes we burn out and do stuff on a need-to-know basis. I'm reminded that it's not the way to live.

Not when He came to give life and life more abundantly.

***************************************************

There are two kinds of people : those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." - C.S.Lewis

May i never be the latter.

:: superman ::

I simply love "Superman" by Mia Palencia.

I'm in one of my modes right now. The one where i start thinking of when *my* Superman would come. Random, isn't it?

You make me laugh. A lot :)

Why ah? *frowns*

:: blast from the past ::

Talking about my journey with someone reminded me of this. Thought i'd put it up for keepsake. Even if the writing is so very young.

Who is me, i wonder?

I used to be that girl you see who's self-esteem was so low, she looked to her friends so often that she was dependent on them for confidence. I was that short and fat be-spectacled girl, who never got the same attention as the other girls in school. I was that girl, who tried her best in school, but was always being compared to the smarter ones. The girl who sat in the middle, cause being in front meant she had to answer questions and she didn't have the guts to, and being in the back, meant she couldn't see the blackboard. Lols.

I was that girl who couldn't decide on what she wanted. I was that girl who was always uncertain, and fearful of things she couldn't understand. I was that girl who fell in love only to have those feelings unreturned. That girl whose heart you broke because she wasn't the one you wanted her to be. I was that girl who pretended she knew what she wanted in life, how to get it, and where she'd be ten years from now. But in reality, one who floated in the air, going wherever the wind took her.

But i'm not that girl anymore. Or at least, i try not to be.

I'm not lost or uncertain. Cause i've found myself in Him that made me. I may not know where i'd be ten years from now, but i know that i'm made the way He has thought me to be and He's written my story even before i was born. I am someone in Christ. And having that precious thought with me, i walked with it. I run. And one day, i shall fly.

I'm just like you in many ways :) I still have two eyes, two ears, one nose and mouth. I am, however, new in Christ. He changes me to be more like Him every single day. And i humble myself before Him knowing that i need those changes.

Why, you say?

Because we need to change at some point. The world needs changes and i'd like to see them. What better way to start than to change myself first :) *plays Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror"* I need to be just a lil' bit different that i may change those around me.

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You, and how You make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be as You are recreating me
Summer autumn winter spring.

:: relief ::

I am back.

Devil, go away. You have no hold on me, in Jesus' name.

Lord, refresh and pour out Your new annointing. Break my heart for what breaks Yours. Please.

I'm ready. Let's go :)

:: the 81st post ::

I'm sick. And i'm emo.

What you gonna do about that, huh?! *glares at nobody*

DREAMS

I believe there’s a man in a secret lair
With bottles piled up high
I believe they call him the Dream Maker
He might send you a nice one tonight

And I want to meet with him face to face
Cause I’d like to strike a deal
I’ll sign all of my dreams away
In exchange for something real

Cause what you see is what you get and
All is as it seems
And I want to love him all my life
If only in my dreams

I believe there’s a woman in a quiet cave
As old and wise as the Earth
I believe they call her the Oracle
She knows every death and every birth

And I want to meet with her face to face
Cause I’d like to ask her how
I can be with him all of my days
My thens and all my nows

Cause what you see is what you get and
All is as it seems
And I want to love him all my life
If only in my dreams

Please, Mr Dream maker, take what you will
Please, Mrs Oracle, I think you know how I feel

I believe there’s a someone for everyone
And a soul in every song
I believe there’s a hole inside my heart the size of you each time you’re gone

And I want to be with you all my days
So why not strike a deal?
I’ll give you all I have in me
We’ll make love something real

Cause what you see is what you get and
All is as it seems
And I want to love him all my life
If only in my dreams

But if you decide to go,
I know just what that means
I know I’ll love you all my life
If only in my dreams.
- Mia Palencia-

I just want some real sleep. With nice dreams. Mr Dream-Maker, care to ask for a wee bit of magic beams from your friend, Mr Sandman? Tell him to bring me a dream and I'll give you a penny.

P/S : Mia Palencia is performing for UFO @ 5pm on the 27th April 2008. You've got to be there :) Really.

:: what i wouldn't give ::

....to stop blowing my nose.

Stoopid flu.

Be careful with what you wish for, it may just come true. =.="

:: dum dee dum ::

It's such a bee-you-ti-ful day today.

And i read this.

So now i'm even more happy coz that totally describes how i feel :D

Even if that moment was SO last year.

Hee. Plus, AFW3841's major assignment has been postponed to the 16th of May!!

Life is good :D

:: days like these ::

Slow day, it was.

The time between meeting and finally leaving is...
Sometimes called falling in love.
-Lisa Loeb's Falling In Love-

I can make my peace with days like these.

********************************************************
Something interesting i read.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
-Neil Gaiman-

:: slow fix ::

Sometimes i wonder and ponder about how God works. He just works so differently that you can't help but do just that. And i sit and i think and i realise, i'm just a speck of nothing-ness who deserves nothing-ness and yet, He loves me so.

Pastor's message today really got to me. About tiredness, not physically but in every other area. I've not been able to quiet myself down. Everything's just been so LOUD lately that it's so hard to catch what He's been trying to say to me.

Just reading my previous post alone, i can sense how restless i was. How i just wanted to take off and run away for a break. I really just want to be quiet. But i just can't. Not lately, anyway.

All those things i wanna do...those are MY quick-fix's. Those are just temporary things that i *could* do to take my mind off things.

But God doesn't grant them. Why?

Because when i allow Him to work in my life as i *walk* with Him, and not run, He adds value to me. He allows me to go through challenges that i may learn how to overcome them. He just doesn't do things for OUR convenience. Or OUR wants.

Sometimes i wonder, maybe i'm just not cut out for all of these things i'm to take hold of.

Then He reminds me again, it's not by my own strength that i do these things, it's by His grace that is sufficient for me.

Note to self : God has a reason for every little while. Take Your time with me, Lord. Just don't give up.

:: to be or not to be ::

I've been feeling like Mei lately.

Ellie is me from 10am to 10pm. Mei becomes me during all the times when i'm not with people. Or generally, after 10pm. Until i need to become a normal campus student again.

For the first time in my university years, i submitted my assignment late. By one day. It kinda sucks knowing that it *could* have been avoided. And i solemnly vowed in the beginning of the semester, that i'll never do such a thing. And yet. Lols. I fail myself sometimes. But it felt very much like something Mei would do.

Thing is, I'm not sad. Just a little bit miffed. But not overly depressed as i thought i would be. God knows how *badly* that piece of work was anyway. Pffft.

Which brought me to another thought - I've changed.

I think i'm becoming more and more like Mei lately. Someone who is less afraid of things. More willing to adapt to changes. The one who's learning to say NO. Ellie always says yes to things.

I can't tell if i like the changes. Obviously, this is Ellie speaking.

But i do like harbouring thoughts such as these :

#1. Running around in the rain, singing "Kiss The Rain" at the top of my lungs.

#2. Dancing under streetlights in the middle of the night, observing shadows that are being cast down.

#3. Going to a bar and people-watch. Wondering why so many campus students would wanna waste their lives with spirits. (heehee, cool pun no?)

#4. Driving late nights with Lite FM accompanying me with its lovely smooth lounge and jazzy selections. The urge to just take off and drive to somewhere far far away is so strong, i have to pinch myself to convince myself that it's NOT a very Ellie thing to do.

#5. Wanting so bad to go to a beach again. Watch the sunset, and sink my toes into soft warm sand. It'll be so sweet to go to Phuket again. It was lovely sleeping on the beach and diving into lagoons where the depth was unknown and its contents were unknown too :D

Or maybe, just driving up to Genting for a one-day trip to spoil myself silly on the SpaceShot.

Randomness : It'll be nice if someone bought me cotton candy too. I wonder how toffee apples taste like.

But i realised one thing, i can't do these things alone. I miss having someone to cater to my every whim and fancy. Okay, maybe not cater. But to teman me fulfill every whim and fancy.

When are you coming home? :(

Or maybe i should be asking, will you ever come?

Note to self : What you don't have or have never done, you can't possibly miss.

:: the big 2-1 ::

Hey you :)

To the girl i've known for 14 years and still counting...

The one whom i shared books, CDs and toys...

The one who told me that skirts are not so bad after all...

The one who enlightened me that you CAN be girly...without being bimbo...

The one whom i share the same frequency...wavelengths...whatever...

The one who can finish my sentences...

The one who shares my McFlurry cravings...for no reason at all.

The one i watch "My Fair Lady" with and not be bored. Even after the millionth time.

The one whose only difference with me is that i EAT and LOVE chocolates... (you weirdo)

The one who knows my taste in boys :P

The only one who knows what my dream wedding would be like.

The one whom i made a pact with, "friendship over relationships". Every time.

The one whom i can hang on the phone with for hours. No matter which country you're in.

The one i know i can call and rant to, no matter how long we've not spoken to each other.

The one i know i can expect surprises, and yet not be surprised.

The one who amazes me with her zest for life and the craziness it entails.

The one i believe, has everything she's ever wanted..and more :)

The one who believes in ME, whenever i've failed.

The one whom i'd like to call...my bestest friend. By age. By thoughts. By love.


Happy 21st birthday, sweetie. May *my* best friend in the heavens be with you even as i'm not on your special day.

Your guardian angel :)