:: reconstructing my world ::

It's been a crazy week, what with the Fido event and results coming out. Did horribly for finals. Half expected to fail one unit and whaddaya know, i did. Can't blame anyone but myself really. It's funny how even though you half-expect it to happen, it still hurts crazy when it's made official. It's the first unit i've failed in uni and by God's grace and mercy, let it be the last. I cried until i had no more tears left to cry. I was just so scared on what to tell my parents. Was and am very afraid about whether i could still go to church, much more, SERVE in church, could i go for the Leader's Summit and just this afternoon, i was asked to go for OA trip next weekend. But thank God for His word, His assurance, most of all, His promises. He spoke through Psalm 40 and Romans 8. It really spoke into my life. It was no coincidence when my mentor and some friends prayed for me using words from these 2 passages.

God has and always will be gracious to me. Sometimes i forget to look at the bigger picture. Have told my parents about results already. Things did *not* go as good as i hoped it to go, but like my mentor said, our not-so-good may not be the same as God's not-so-good. Two sides of a coin, i guess. Which perspective do you want to have? A fleshly, entirely human one? Or God's? I'm trying to look at the latter. Learning to look from the latter. Slowly discovering and hopefully, *am* walking in the ways He wants me to go.

Had so many things run through my mind about what i'm gonna do about my results, even considered changing courses. Or dropping my finance major. But i feel that God's put me into this place for a reason, this course and majors for a reason, and i'm gonna walk it through. It's easier of course to do all that i *thought* to do, but where's the breakthrough in that? He says in Romans 8:28, "...all will work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to His purpose."So be it. I'll suck it in and pass every infuriating finance paper even if it kills me. And yes, that means, even to resit this horrible excel-formula-writing-on-paper paper that i've failed.

Dad said i had to stay home from Monday to Friday nights. Whatever church thing i wanna do has to be weekends only. God's grace. I hate the idea of not being able to serve on ACTStream since practice is on every Thursday night, but if this is what it takes to earn my right back to going back to serving in church, so be it. I hate the idea of not being able to go for Prayer Service too, but if that's what i have to do, so be it. I can still serve in CampusCity, i hope. And who knows, maybe i'm suppose to focus on the evening service in church. Bigger picture, i don't see it yet...but it'll reveal itself. God's plans for me, only of peace and not of evil, to give me a future and a hope.

Romans 8:18, "For i consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." These persecutions or disturbances may come, be it through family or friends, or even the external environment, we can be hard-pressed on every side, but we will not be crushed. He promised. And i claim it.

Pray with me, this hiatus from doing all that i've been doing has not made me love God less, instead it's taught me more about Him. But i dare say, it won't be long before i do all that i've been doing, if not more, *again*.

He's brought me this far, i'm not gonna go backwards where He's not there.

I waited patiently for the Lord
And He inclined His ear toward me
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit
Out of the miry clay
And set my feet upon a rock
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth
Praise to our God
Many will see it and fear
And will trust in the Lord.

(fast forward)

Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You
Let such as love Your salvation say continually
"The Lord be magnified!!"
But i am poor and needy
Yet the Lord thinks upon me
You are my help and my deliverer
Do not delay, O my God.

-Psalm 40:1-3, 16-17

I wait.