:: cabin fever ::

WAHHHHHHHHHHHH. 2 days of 6am mornings and 12am sleep, endless studying in between.

Brain-dead.

Finance is...mind-boggling. Oopfh. And there's still so much HRM to read.

I'd love a McFlurry right now. Oreo schmoreo. Mmmmmm.

:: cracked pot ::

That's what i am, Lord.

Fill me afresh.

Job 5
v2. Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.
v6. For hardship does not spring from the soil, nor does trouble sprout from the ground.
v7. Yet man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward.
v8. But if it were i, i would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.
v9. He performs wonders that cannot fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.

(Thank You, Lord, for Job 5, i claim it)
I will take all things to You first, even if i'm tempted to scream my head off or be angry or be sarcastic or just be terribly sad and hurt, i will go to You before i go to men.
Before i go to any kind of man.

:: sigh ::

Dear God,

Bobby's tyre pancit. Ellie's very sad.

Ellie got home late from huddle. Daddy's very angry. Ellie's grounded.

Now, Ellie's very angry. But Ellie is supposed to be patient.

Ellie doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't understand.

Ellie's tired of explaining herself.

Ellie's just gonna study and immerse herself in the land of legal frameworks and yucky stock bonds.

Can You do something to un-ground Ellie, please? Thank you.

Love,
Ellie

:: waiting ::

Forgive...sounds good.
Forget...i'm not sure i could.
They say...time heals everything.
But i'm still waiting.

Doesn't feel too "hot" even after apologising, does it?

But i've stopped waiting. It doesn't pay holding grudges. Make me get wrinkles only :D Not worth it. Tsk.

Unity at all cost!!! Forgive me, Lord for being distracted by rubble. Help me build your wall.

Slowly...steady...here we go :)

:: elliest of ellie's ::

I always have the urge to read the Anne of Green Gables series during exams. I don't know why. Probably cause she studies real hard to achieve what she wants. Probably cause she dreams a lot. Like me. Even while she's studying.

I always felt like i could relate to Anne. Gilbert Blythe called her the Annest of Anne's. Yes, that explains the title. Heehehehe. So random, ya? Lols. I guess i just love L.M.Montgomery's writing. She writes the funniest and yet biblically, related things. Just thought i'd share some thoughts that relate to her writing.

To do with new days :
"Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." Sufficient for today is it's own troubles, amen? :)

To do with exams :
"I am well in body but considerably rumpled up in spirit." Just checked my internal assessment marks for IM and HRM, did considerably well in class, but not good enough to fulfill my promise. Trying harder.

To do with life :
"We must have ideals and try to live up to them, even if we never quite succeed. Life would be a sorry business without them. With them, it's grand and great." Like Dave shared in SES last weekend, don't forget your dreams :)

To do with love :
"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath." This is my favourite among all L.M.Montgomery quotes. Maybe what i want, is not quite what i need. Only You know, Lord.

To do with me :
"I'm not a bit changed-not really. I'm only just pruned down and branched out. The real me-back here-is just the same. It won't make a bit of a difference no matter where i go or how much i change outwardly; at heart i shall always be your little Ellie, who will love you and everyone else and dear Subang Jaya more and better every day of her life." So, i replaced Anne with Ellie :) big deal.

Yes, i'm satisfied now.

:: of love and uncharitable speeches ::

I realised of late, i'm very easily angered. Every little thing that does not go my way irks me. Even if someone looks at me in a way or manner that i *think* is not right, i'd be angry at that too. Not to mention, what that particular person SAYS, it's even worse.

I'm really amazed by a person's capability to be patient. To love and just give without question. I've learnt a lot from my leaders and from the people that i'm leading. Some of them have such a genuine capability to love. Some say, "green girls are meant to mother." In other words, meant to love. Lately, i feel that i've been far from that. Don't know if it's because i'm PMS-ing or if i've just forgotten to ask God how.

A leader once told me, she found it so hard to love. It wasn't her nature to love just everyone and anyone. It wasn't her nature to give and give without question. For me, it's always been easy to love the lovable. But where's the challenge in that right? Anyway, that particular leader shared how when she needed to love, she prayed and asked God to give her that strength to love. On her own, she can't. With God, all things are possible.

It isn't possible to love and give by your own strength. We need God to expand and stretch our capabilities to love. We need God to first fill us with His love, that we may have love to give others. Otherwise, we'd just be drained. Otherwise, we'd just be easily angered. And dissatisfied. And then, resentful. I can tell you that those are not very nice feelings :) It also leads to uncharitable speeches because dissatisfaction *has* to be voiced out one way or another. If not by words, it will be by actions. Something that God has revealed to me that i was doing.

Been praying myself as to why i just feel constant annoyance towards people and what they do, and God says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (James 1:19-20) He says, "Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance and perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4)

I had to go back to basics and learn again that, "Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:5-7)

Sometimes i forget that all i have to do is ask God. And He'll give it to me. Sometimes i forget that i'm still being moulded and changed for Him and by Him. Sometimes i forget that other people are probably going through things that i don't know about and i just assume they wanna rub me the wrong way on purpose. Sometimes i forget what it means to read His word and apply.

Sometimes i'm just blissfully ignorant and forget what it means to love and give love without question. Without being loved in return. I have seen and experienced it. I guess it takes God to really show it to you.

Anyways, to those of you whose toes i've stepped on through my uncharitable speeches and actions, i pray that you'll forgive me. Love, after all, keeps no record of wrongs, yes? :)

Or if that doesn't work... "I'm pretty sorry with loads of java chips on top?" :( Coffee?

______________________________________________________________

"You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it."

-Neil Gaiman-

:: you don't have to yell ::

Speaking to myself. Good song, this. "You Don't Have To Yell" by Chris Rice. Thanks, Mich :)
_____________________________________________________________

So-called reality
Right there on my TV
If that's how life's supposed to be, well
Somebody's lyin'
The camera's on and we can tell
To keep your fame you have to yell
Cause tensions build, and products sell, and
We're all buyin'
I hope we're smarter than this

Everybody take a breath
Why are all your faces red
We're missin' all the words you said
You don't have to yell
Draw your lines and choose your side
Cause many things are worth the fight
But louder doesn't make you right
You don't have to yell, oh
You don't have to yell.

I tuned in to hear the news
I don't want your point of view
If that's the best that you can do, then
Something's missing
And experts on whatever side
You plug your ears, you scream your lines
You claim to have an open mind, but
Nobody's listenin'
Don't you think we're smarter than this?

If everyone will take the step
Back away and count to ten
Clear your mind and start again
We won't have to yell.
_________________________________________________________

3R party went really well :)

:: i'm alive! ::

This is the day that the Lord has made, and i will be glad and rejoice in it!

Felt like crap yesterday thanks to my no-good cramps (yes, it's THAT time of the month) but i can safely say that i'm healed now! Praise the Lord! Thank you CC peeps and Tracy for praying ;)

I love mornings. There's something about mornings and fresh new days that gets into my spirit and stirs me up! It feels good to be ALIVE!

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul; forget not all His benefits -
Who forgives all your sins,
and heals all your diseases,
and redeems your life from the pit,
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

(Psalm 103:1-5) Amen!

It's good to be alive.
________________________________________________________

Note to self : Be patient and stand firm, for the Lord's coming is near. Don't grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged! (James4:8-9) Ouch! Well, at least i know those who have persevered are considered blessed.

Ellie, don't be so stubborn. There are times that even you can't control what you say or do. Let it go. Lord, break my pride.

:: things you don't learn in school ::

“I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love somebody. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love any longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying. They don't teach you anything worth knowing.”

-Neil Gaiman-

____________________________________________________________

Why am i in school again? Oh, yeah. Cause everyone says i have to be.

:: how much is enough ::

It's not that i don't have time. Like i've said not too very long ago, i'm still getting the hang of managing it properly.

It's not that i don't want to study. Like i've said not too very long ago, i've got a very short attention span. And there's only so much attention i can willingly spend on finance.

It's not that i'm fickle. Like i've said not too very long ago, i'm still getting the hang of knowing my own thoughts. Sometimes, when i finally do, it changes. Then i have to re-acquaint myself with it all over again.

It's not that i don't want to be there for you. Like i've said not too very long ago, i'm still learning how to respond to things that i've never experienced before. I don't have all the answers.

It's not that i want to disappoint you. Like i've said not too very long ago, i've committed myself to things that i find more worthwhile compared to the things that YOU think are worthwhile. Let me grow. You may be older, but i just may have caught on to something you've never even dreamed about.

It's not that i don't care for you anymore. Like i've said not too very long ago, we've just drifted apart. Love is such an obscure thing. And people change. Maybe we just have to learn how to be friends again.

It's not just that.

"Events are cowards. They don't occur singly; but instead they run in packs and leap out at you all at once." - Neil Gaiman

:: puzzling ::

You puzzle me.

I'm puzzle-fied.

I've got no time for this. Go away.

Back to work.

Good note : Ellie walked in the rain today. It was liberating. It's nice being notty once in a while. Ellie says she's not square. In fact, she's round. Very round.

Bad note : Finals in 2 weeks. La di da.

:: just maybe ::

I actually don't feel like blogging all that much. But it's one of those afternoons that you reflect on (because the public declares it a holiday) and realise, that if you don't write it down (or type it) whichever your preference, something may just slip from your fingers. A memory, a thought, a dream, an idea...a something.

Anyways, i've been feeling really tired lately. It seems that no matter how often or how *long* i sleep, i still feel tired. I've been feeling rather dry too. It's hard to say what it is exactly but i guess, it happens when God wants to remind you what and why exactly you're doing what you're doing.

I was so dry that i popped an MTG into my faithful lappie and spent a good 3 hours listening to 3 different messages. It was a good reminder. But it wasn't quite what i was looking for. Then came last Sunday. Ps Kenneth spoke really good messages in BOTH services, but it was the 2nd one that really got to me. It was what i needed. It was what that i know now, shall keep me *continuing* what i have been doing. Only perhaps, with a more clearer purpose. A clearer direction that i *am* indeed walking in the path that He's laid out for me.

I had a dream or vision. Whatever you want to call it. It was such a long time ago. Beginning of 2006 i think. When i first started to actively serve in CampusCity. My previous leader, asked during one of our "power group" meetings, "Where do you see yourself in terms of serving, in the near future?" During that time, i wasn't sold to the vision of Acts or CampusCity yet. I only went cause well, my leaders asked me to. But i began to like it. Just so you guys know, i started off with ushering first :)

But anyway, i prayed about it. Where did i see myself being in terms of serving in the near future (haha, i was even thinking of not serving at all), but God has different plans and He gave me this picture. I saw myself back-up singing (which is what my then leader was currently serving as) and i saw myself worship leading. At the time, i was thinking, "I can't do it. So scary. I can't sing in public, much less worship God in public." But i could feel within me then, that i really wanted to do it. That if i was given the opportunity, the know-how's and training of doing what she did, i could. And i told that leader that i saw myself doing so.

Guess what i'm doing now? :)

That particular leader of mine is no longer in CampusCity, moved on to what God has given her a picture to do. But i'm still here. Serving in CampusCity. Doing exactly what i told her i was going to do.

It was a dream that i've forgotten until last evening as Ps Kenneth preached. Just a few days before yesterday, i was questioning my role as worship coordinator and i was concerned. Spoke to my mentor and released my frustrations so to speak. I felt i wasn't doing a good job. I felt that i wasn't leading or inspiring my team as i should be. I felt...inadequate. I felt i wasn't doing what i was called to do. I mean, a calling is supposed to be easy no? Especially if you're MEANT for that particular calling. And a few days ago, i wasn't sure if worship was mine. It didn't help when i wasn't seeing what *i* wanted to see in the team, in the service, in the whole thing. *Something* was missing.

And Ps Kenneth said, "Don't wonder too much about what you're called to. GOD doesn't forget what He has called you to. He doesn't change His mind. Don't let the enemy rob you of a dream that you were meant to have. Don't lose that cutting edge in you."

And i remembered that dream or vision He gave to me. I'm already living it out.

Who am i to give it up just because i felt dry? Or inadequate?

Who am i to forget what God has called me to do?

Okay, so admittedly, i can definitely do better than what i'm doing now. But sometimes when we keep doing and doing till we forget WHY we're doing what we do, we don't do it as well as we should?

And we're supposed to. We're supposed to serve Him and CONTINUE serving Him. Steadfastly. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9

I *felt* that i wasn't making an impact. When in fact, i could. If i tried letting go of MY controls, if i let His Spirit flow through me and use me as He wishes. Instead of being the stubborn, chicken-shit i am. I could and i CAN make an impact. I may not have the greatest voice in the world, neither can i play any instruments (at the moment) but just maybe...i'm placed where in the position that i'm in for a reason that only He knows.

I remember my dream(s) now. And i'm gonna claim everything that God has planned for me. He only has His best. Applies in every aspect too. I can only do what i do now, better :) And that's a comfort. I'm not gonna stop growing (not physically of course) and i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing. Only better. With God helping me, i will.

It's just You and me again, Lord.
Some people may find it hard to believe, but just maybe...i am where i am because You want me to be :)

:: accepted in the beloved ::

It's a good reminder for everyone that we're loved. Whether or not, we're good. Or bad. We serve. Or don't. When we say the wrong things. Or right. We're still loved in His eyes.

Why is it so hard for people to believe that they're loved then?

I felt overwhelmed with God's love once again knowing that i'm not perfect. As much as i try, i can never be just that. Not even with my obsessive compulsive disorder. I've done a couple of things in the past that i'm not proud of. Like, really. And yet, He still loves me so. He still led me to Him after all that i've done.

That feeling of knowing that although we've done some things that are not pleasing in His sight, it's with those same eyes that He sees us, for who we are. And loves us all the same.

How can you not believe that you're loved? Especially when He IS love.

My beloved spoke, and said to me :
"Rise up, my love, my fair one,
And come away."
-Song of Songs 2:10-

There are some things that i don't question. God's love is one of them.

:: making my peace ::

I had a very productive day. At least, i feel it has been productive.

I had a long day of class. Met up with TimTam for lunch (after such a long time, ya, Tim?), so that was nice :)

I felt a bit lost in my finance classes today but that only spurred me on to start studying for finals already. Heh. Scared dy.

I made a list of 12 things to do yesterday. Out of which, i only completed one task. Today, at precisely 8.45pm, i made a list of 7 tasks and i completed 6. It just goes to prove that focus is good. And that i'm an obsessive compulsive freak who loves checking lists. :D

I sense satisfaction every time something gets crossed off my lists. It thrills me.

Random thought : Yes, i'm good at some things. Like, spewing out emails and making new friends. But hopelessly retarded in others. Like finance and techy stuff. Aren't we all? Hehehehehe. God's grace is sufficient.

On days like these
When the rain won't fall
And the sky is so dry that even birds can't call
I can feel your tears disappearing in the air
Carried on the breeze
On days like these

It's years like these
That make a young man old
Bend his back against the promises that life should hold
They make him wise
They can drive him to his knees
Nothing comes for free
On days like these

But you can't reap what you don't sow
And you can't plant in hollow ground
So let us fill this empty earth with hope
Until the rains come down

In lives like these
Where every moment counts
I add up all the things that I can live without
When the one thing left is the blessing of my dreams
I can make my peace
With days like these.

-Janis Ian-Days Like These-

Yeah, i can definitely make my peace with days like these.

P/S : After watching this and this, not to mention this, i do believe my little monkee friend was right. Maternal instincts are surfacing. Darn. I think you guys should worry. Lols.