:: learning to choose ::

The choices we make determines the paths we take. Whether or not it's aligned with God's will, the choice doesn't only lie with Him, but with us as well. Just got back from Leader's Summit on Tuesday. It was really awesome :) I don't have any pictures with me, but i certainly took a lot of memories and teachings back with me. I think every leader has something to share about what they caught from the leader's summit. I have my own too :)

Most of mine was learning to deal with my own fears and inadequacies. Of knowing that it's okay to go into something without knowing the basics. Without training. Despite doing it for months now, it still gets to me. And i guess i can safely say, that i'm *completely* over my inadequacies. Choosing to trust God to lead when the time comes :) I guess there's nothing more that He wants besides wanting us to lean on Him for strength and wisdom. Not by might, or power but by His spirit, yes? :)

Another thing i had to deal with was on dealing with my family. Getting involved with the Evening Service and well, basically, being a part of a movement to reach out to EVERY student in Malaysia and share the good news, well, i've known since the beginning that it's not just fun and games. It's gonna take commitment, hard work and most of all, giving the best that i can give out of all that i have. Which means, everything lah. I had to deal with just how much was i willing to give. And not only that, i had this hypocritical side of me that said, "You can't even save your family and you wanna save every student in Malaysia? Please-lah." Like, ouch.

Yes, my inadequacies. Insecurities. What-nots. Whatever you call it.

It took a lot out of me (losing sleep, etc), just having personal debates within myself. What with my being *grounded*, i was so very tempted to just let go...and haha, backslide as a certain person been claiming i have. Been on a low profile not attending ACTStream and all, didn't think anyone'd notice. Aaaaanyways, i'm rambling. The last worship session at leader's summit kinda broke all these thoughts. And i literally, broke free from just wanting to hold back from doing what i knew was right to do, and just giving God all my insecurities. All you peoples who have something to say regarding what i've been doing, say-lah what you want.

I don't really care anymore. God has placed something in my heart to build Him a great big house. And a great big house is what He's gonna get. Or at least, i'll do the best i can with the girls He's entrusted me to build, and just run with that assurance. I'm a home-grown ACTS-ter and proud of it. Not even the devil can change that fact. And i'm going to reproduce. (not biologically, of course, not yet anyway :P )

Take my life, and all that i have to give
Take my world, just inhabit all of it
Take my dreams, make me assuredly Yours.

Lord, i'm gonna trust Your timing. And that means not knowing how or when You are going to do something. I surrender my family and current situation to You. You know. I can only wait. When i grow weary of waiting, or if i find myself disappointed or discouraged, i'm going to choose to trust You. I'm going to choose not to trust myself or be self-dependent. I'm going to choose to know that You will be faithful in every situation in my life, whatever they may be. Lord, i'm going to choose giving You all that i have to give.

I thank You for the leaders and wonderful friends You've placed in my life, supporting and encouraging me when i need it most. Sometimes, when they don't even know they're doing so. I know it's You, Lord, constantly reminding me that i'm not alone. There are brothers and sisters suffering alongside with me. And i thank You, most of all, for Your amazing love. Always steady and unchanging, firm beneath my feet. Amen.

Thank you to you, you and you. Know that you're appreciated. Even if i don't say it to your face :)